


My Sun, My Son

by nobaru_rei



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Thorne & Rowling
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Bonding, Family Dynamics, Family Feels, Fluff, Guilt, Harry being a good dad, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-14 16:02:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28673424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nobaru_rei/pseuds/nobaru_rei
Summary: Albus is 11 and worried that he can’t be the son that Harry wants. Harry is 37 and worried that he has failed as a father.
Relationships: Albus Severus Potter & Harry Potter
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	My Sun, My Son

**Author's Note:**

> This is self therapy. Thank you and have a nice day.

  
  


Hearing a bang, Harry looked up to see his son and Ginny coming through the floo. He’ll never understand how they were able to do so without falling, and walking away without a speck of powder on their clothing.

Ginny always said he tended to attract filth.

Harry calls slander.

“Got everything you needed?” Harry questioned joyfully. Albus had gone with his mother to buy supplies for the new year. Though supply lists came out weeks ago, Albus had been putting it off for a while. Which eventually led his mother to having to drag him out the door.

“Hey, are you sure you don’t want a pet? James has one, and I don’t want there to be a situation where I have to figure out how to send you a cat or maybe even a snake through owl mail,” Harry laughed.

“Oh, yeah… It’s okay, Dad. I’ll be fine.” Turning to go off to his room he seemed to think better of it and went to his dad instead. Stepping into a quick hug, Albus squeezed Harry and then let go before Harry could begin to wrap his arms around him. 

With that, he took off up the stairs leaving his bags behind. Harry scratched his head turning to look at Ginny. Albus had been acting a bit strange the past few days, most likely due to school year fast approaching. He just shrugged and picked up The Prophet, pretending to read but actually just looking at the Quidditch pictures.

He should’ve known. He should’ve seen the signs

***

Harry slowly edged his way up the stairs, cursing as floorboards creaked from under him. Why he chose to never fix them he will never know, but it will always be a constant struggle to attempt to walk through the halls at night without waking the whole house. He had previously been told that if he were to ever do that again he would end up sleeping on the couch — another thing that he should have replaced upon moving into Grimmauld Place.

In a few hours, he would have to wake up once again to bring James and Albus to the station. It was Albus‘s first year away from home and James’ third. Though he will miss the constant bickering between the two boys, he was very excited for his youngest. He was a pretty quiet boy and mostly enjoyed the company of himself, with the exception of Rose. Going to school would be a good step for him to get to know other kids his age besides the Weasleys. He knows that James had his brother’s back if anything went awry. Though he would never admit to it, he cares for his brother and would save Albus from any unwanted scrutiny.

Shuffling down the hall he noticed light shining from under Albus’ door, showing that he was awake. Harry smiled, he was just like James was, so excited for his first day that he could hardly sleep.

Knocking once, twice, he opened the door. But the sight of a happy Albus was not what greeted him.

Albus looked away, but not before Harry could see his face. Face flushed, his eyes puffy and red rimmed. But dry. If he had shed any tears he had quickly covered the evidence before Harry could see.

“Albus?” Harry hurriedly said, “what’s wrong?” 

“It’s nothing,“ Albus said quickly, shifting his gaze to the window.

“Don’t say it’s nothing, I know you, Albus Severus. And this isn’t like you.” Harry said, concerned. He tried not to raise his voice, but it was quickly proving to become difficult as he was becoming equally as freaked out. This was so unlike Albus.

“It’s stupid, it’s nothing, it’s not a big deal. Just go back to bed, Dad, we have to get up soon.” Albus insisted. Before Albus could get up to make his way across the room to his bed Harry caught his hand.

He seemed so scared, and Harry didn’t know what to say.

Harry always had difficulty in situations like these. Never having a proper father figure who could stay alive long enough, he didn’t get many father-son talks or chances to talk about his feelings with others. Hermione was always busy, and Ron had the emotional capacity of the trunk of a Honda Civic. 

Harry himself also wasn’t very good at this. Never given the opportunity to speak, he always had a hard time trying to vocalize his emotions. He was never told that it was okay to talk about those things. So much of his life would’ve been so much easier if he would’ve just said what he felt and communicated better. This had created problems with him and Ginny in the beginnings of their marriage. He couldn’t understand why she would get so upset with him when he didn’t think it was necessary to tell her his feelings on certain issues, or why he would isolate himself in a guest bedroom whenever the nightmares became too intense.

Ginny never understood why he could never lean on her for support. Neither did he.

Things were easier with James. Being such an independent child he took after his father in the sense that he felt the need to deal with his emotions alone, or at least was able to handle them in such a way that didn’t require his parents' concern. James was okay, especially being that he had Teddy to carp to.

But Albus was different. He always has been.

He didn’t want Albus going down the same path he did as a child. Piling every insecurity and fear onto his own shoulders, not noticing how much he was breaking until he was already falling. 

Even though Harry could understand and empathize with his children, he knew that he wasn’t always the best person to talk to. Going through life, it was always so hard for him to understand that difficulty in life isn’t something that should just be internalized, and it shouldn’t be normal to so readily be accepted. He did what he had to do to survive in that world. His children shouldn’t have to.

These behaviors made it all the more difficult for him to realize and understand what was best for him, and that it is okay for him to want to better himself and better his life. That he was deserving enough to desire for that.

He knew that he didn’t want that for any of his children. They deserved the world and more, and he would gladly give it to them if it meant that Albus didn’t have the look on his face that he did right then. 

He was willing to do anything for his children.

Harry searched his eyes. 

His son trying not to look at him.

“Albus,” he said with more force. Still facing away from him Albus’ shoulders began to shake.

Harry was more than worried. Albus usually was not one who expressed his emotions so outwardly. But, just because he didn’t vocalize them, didn’t mean they didn’t exist. Though for Albus to have such a violent reaction meant that something was seriously wrong. 

Albus shouldn’t be afraid to talk to him.

He was a bad father.

After a few more moments of silence, Albus finally turned around to look at his father for the first time since entering the room. Glassy-eyed, he whispered, “What if I’m a Slytherin?”

Harry’s brows furrowed. Now he was even more confused. What did that have to do with anything? 

“Albus, what do you mean?” Harry asked. But his son only shook his head in response. Putting his hands on his shoulders he repeated his question again, “Albus, please.”

“I’m not James!” he exclaimed. Crouching down he put his head in his hands muffling his voice. “I’m not like you!”

“Wha-”

“James told me... James told me that I am going to end up in Slytherin. And he is right, isn’t he? You hate me, don’t you? DON’T YOU.” With that Albus pulled from Harry’s grasp and scooted away from until his back hit the opposite wall.

It was in that moment that Harry realized that his son wasn’t afraid to talk to him. He was afraid of him.

He felt his stomach drop. Harry knew that he had fucked up. As a parent you’re supposed to keep your child safe. Mentally and physically. And if Albus didn’t feel safe or comfortable enough to not even think about having these issues as a worry, then he has failed as a father. These stupid houses.

He almost didn’t know what to say because he too had felt the same anxieties and responsibilities when he first attended Hogwarts. Afraid of being ostracized by the one friend he had, he forced himself to become someone that he wasn’t. He had to live with that for years. It took him a long time to cope and to come to terms with who he actually was. He never wanted any of his children to go through the same thing he did. Choosing his words carefully, he got onto the same level as Albus.

“No no no,” he cried. “Albus— Albus, look at me.”

Slowly, Albus eventually raised his head to Harry. Eyes still dry of tears, but couldn’t make eye contact.

“I’m horrible, I’m disgusting. But I don’t know how to change“ Albus cried. 

Harry gripped Albus and forced his son to look at him. “What? Albus, don’t change. What are you talking about? How could you even think that? I never want you to change. And I never wanted you to feel this way.

“How could you ever believe that I would love you any less?”

“I’ll never be like you. I can’t be you. I’ve tried. And I want to so bad, but I-I just can’t.”

  
  


Harry tried to control his breathing. Looking away to give Albus a bit of privacy and allow himself to calm down before he could begin to help Albus. He wasn’t prepared for this. He didn’t think that he would ever have to vocally emote his feelings to his children. He had so much trouble doing it with Ginny that he just assumed that his actions would be enough for children.

But they weren’t enough. 

But that’s what parenting was. Parenting wasn’t always easy. It never was.

“Do you know who I was? Do you know what I was like at your age?”

“You were strong, and you always knew what to do! But I don’t know what to do!”

Harry sighed, “No, Albus, no, I didn’t. I grew up in an illusion, and I thought I understood what was best for me. When in reality I could hardly keep myself from falling down. Humans aren’t infallible, Albus. I don’t understand where this is coming from.”

He felt awashed with guilt. He did know where this was coming from, a picture of a younger sulking Ron flashed in his mind.

“I was far from perfect, and I still am. Everything I’ve ever accomplished is because people helped me, and people trusted me, and I had people that loved me. And Albus, I love you. I will always love you. I want to be that person for you. No matter what you do, and no matter what you think that I may think. You are my son. And if you are sorted into Slytherin, I would be so proud of you. I AM proud of you.”

“But you don’t get it,“ he said, tears finally falling. “You don’t understand the expectations that we have on us. James and me and Lily, everyone’s looking at us. Expecting things from us. Wanting us to be perfect people.

“James might be, everyone loves him, but I’m not James, I can’t be James and I can’t be what you want,” Albus’s breath started coming out in angry puffs. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know who even I am, but I know I can’t be the son that you want or who you thought that I was.”

Harry sat in silence. Because he was right, Albus didn’t grow up to be the child he wanted. The child that he wanted was someone that could grow up outside of the gaze of the media and the wandering eyes that always seemed to follow his family. He wanted his children to live life the way that they wanted to without worry. He never wanted his children to be stuck in the same perpetual cycle of worrying about what everyone else thought of them like he once did. This isn’t what he wanted for his children and he felt like such an idiot to think that things might have been different just because the war was over. This isn’t what he fought in a war for. He felt that he had failed as a parent. He now realized, now looking back, he has never spoken to his children about these issues due to how little they ask about his past. 

“I never wanted you to be James.”

“What?” Albus said, tensing. 

“That’s something that I used to be worried about too. I always felt like I was being compared to James, your grandfather. Sirius would do that to me when I was younger. He was never actually able to help me very much, especially with emotions. He didn’t really understand how to be a father or a father figure, he was just trying to comfort me in his own way. But I know now this is not what I should be saying to you. Albus, look at me. 

“I’m so proud of you, Albus Severus Potter. So proud. And don’t you ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Not even James. There’s nothing that you could ever do to make me love you any less. Everything that I do is for you to be happy, and I have failed at that. I failed as a father.”

“No, Dad, stop. You didn’t do anything this is because of me –”

Harry held up his hand to pause his son, a sad smile spread across his face, “Yes, Albus, yes, I did. For you to grow up and think that I would hate you for being a Slytherin means that I fucked up. I made you feel unsafe.

“You could be Slytherin, you could be gay, you could change your religion or leave the izarding world in its entirety. No matter what you do or whatever decisions that you choose, I want you to know that I will always be by your side. I will always love you and I will always care for you and I will always be there for you when you need me. When you don’t need me, I will still be there. I will never stop being in your life. I’m not saying these things just because I’m your father, I’m saying this because I love you. I love you so much... so much. I never wanted you to feel this way.

“Be like me?” Harry chuckled darkly. “You are more like me than you think. When I first put on the Sorting Hat, I was supposed to be sorted into Slytherin, ya know.“ 

Albus’s eyes crunched skeptically not quite believing him. 

“What?” he breathed. “How is that even possible? You’re just saying that to make me feel better, please stop lying.” 

Harry groaned, “I wish I was lying. Because by admitting to this, it just shows how blinded and willing I was to be so accepting of the bias and prejudice the houses placed onto Slytherin. I didn’t know any better, and I didn’t understand the implications of what I was doing until it was too late. I was constantly influenced. And I’m not trying to use that as an excuse for what I did; I tried to be someone that I was not, and I suffered for it. I really did. Sometimes, I wonder what life would have been like if I would have just let fate guide me. Who I would be today,” he trailed off looking over Albus’s shoulder.

Albus didn’t know what to say, now more confused than ever. He had gotten back home a few nights past after coming back from the Weasleys. It was late when James had cornered him in the bathroom saying that he had better watch out. He started yelling at him and was so insistent that Dad would hate him and disown him if he were to be Slytherin. 

It had never crossed his mind before which house he would be sorted into, but it made sense.  
He didn’t think it was just teasing. James seemed serious, almost as if he had gone through the same fears prior to his entrance to Hogwarts. Looking at his father now he didn’t want to make him any more upset than he already seemed to be, so he kept that information to himself.

“But what about everyone else?”

“What do you mean?” Harry squinted. “Who is ‘everyone else’?”

“The rest of the wizarding world. Everyone who’s going to find out because they’re going to write about it in the papers. You know they will. They are going to say awful things about you, Dad.”

“And?”

“AND?” Albus choked out. “Don’t you care?!”

“Exactly, Albus. No, no, I don’t. It doesn’t matter what other people think. None of these people matter,” he said while shaking his head. I don’t care if you are a Slytherin. I just want you to live happy being your own person. Don’t hate yourself. This is what I raised you to be. This is who I want you to be. Strong, independent, and with the mindset that you don’t have to strive to be what others want you to be. I want you to be your own person. 

“Albus,” Harry steels himself. “I don’t talk much about my past. The life that I lived isn’t something that I’m very proud of, and everyone else is always going to have something to say no matter what version of the story I try to tell. But where it stands, I didn’t have the best childhood. And I didn’t have the most loving family.”

“Is that why Mom has told us not to ask you about your past?”

Harry laughed, “Maybe. Or maybe it’s because she doesn’t want you to get any ideas from what we used to get up to during my Hogwarts years. But no, I never was able to have a safe space. I was never able to have someone that I can go to talk to or to cry on. I didn’t have a figure to tell me if what I was feeling was right or wrong, or to have a hand that was always there for me. To pick me up off the ground when I no longer knew how to. I never had stability. I thought I did with Dumbledore but that was just another illusion that I had made to protect myself.

“When I finally discovered that I was a wizard and that I had magic, I was hounded by so many people telling me who I was and who I was supposed to be there that I could no longer make decisions for myself because I thought that I had to do what the adults thought was best for me. I no longer tried to be who I wanted to be — not that I had ever had any time to figure out who that was. 

“I met people. I met Hermione, and I met Ron. I met Mrs. Weasley, and Sirius, and Dumbledore. I thought, ‘this is it.’ These are the people who will love me and will protect me. These are people that won’t hurt me. I wanted that, I wanted that so bad. I needed them to stay in my life, so I created the person that they wanted. Someone I couldn’t even recognize. I was so starved for others that I became okay with the feeling of not recognizing myself when I looked in the mirror. And Albus Severus, look at me, look at me.”

Finally, Albus slowly looked up to his father.

“I never want you to feel that way.

“James was named after the people who I thought I wanted to be, and Albus, you are named after the men who truly knew who I was. And who I would eventually become. There is no tradition and no cycle to break. There are no clear-cut paths or outline to life that you need to follow. I just want you to be happy, Albus. And it breaks my heart knowing that you were hurting yourself because of what you thought that I would think. Be selfish for once. Want what you want. 

“You will never be James and you will never be me, but that doesn’t make you any less of who you are. You are more clever than James, and more compassionate than your mother, and have more bravery than I will ever have. I have always seen that in you. I love you. I love you so much.” Closing with that Harry drew Albus closer and held him in his arms as he allowed his own breathing to slow.

“I never wanted to disappoint you,” Albus breathed.

Harry leaned back and put his son’s face in his hands, “Albus, you could never disappoint me.  
You are my son, you are everything that I live for. It doesn’t matter what you do, I will always stand by your side. I love you with everything that I have in this tiny, insignificant body of mine. My sun rises and sets for you. Without you, my universe would be nothing. I would be nothing if I lost you. I would burn the world for you, Albus, I already have.

“Besides,” Harry said, nonchalantly looking off. “I already knew that you were probably going to be sorted into Slytherin anyway.”

Albus jerked up, “What! How?”

“You are patient and critical. You’re not like James where he rushes into a fight. You analyze situations and figure out the best moves and actions to make. Don’t think I don’t know when you are blaming James for something, I just let you have it because he is a prat sometimes.” 

Albus stared at him, speechless.

“You’ve always known what you wanted to do, and you constantly have your ambitions set on those goals. I once thought that you may be a Ravenclaw. But you don’t always follow the book, Albus, you have always strayed away from what was expected. You have always forged your own path. You are destined for so much more than sticking your nose into some stuffy old books.”

Albus huffed, “This is why Mum says that you are illiterate. No respect for books.”

Aghast, “What! I too can read!” Harry insisted.

“Sure.”

“Lies and slander,” Harry said while crossing his arms and looking away. “I am hurt that I must defend myself against my own children. And besides, you asked for hair gel this past Christmas. Hair gel! You might as well say that you’re a Malfoy. The audacity.”

There it is, that small smile.

Before when Albus had looked him in the eye he was struck by just how grown up he looked. Still small and holding onto baby fat, he seemed to hold himself straighter, prouder. Even when tears were dripping down his face. He had grown so much without him realizing. It almost made him a bit sad. He was growing up so fast.

“Albus, it’s just a house. You are still you. Being a Slytherin doesn’t change who you are, and I would much prefer to see that person than another James. Merlin knows one is already enough.”

Before he could say anything more he felt Albus yank him into a stiff hug. Melting into the embrace, Harry thought for a moment maybe he had finally done something right.

“For my sake, at the very least, do try to get along with your brother at school. James’s homesick letters are agonizing enough without having him sulking to me saying that his little brother is ignoring him too. Think of me, Albus! Think about how I would have to draft a letter longer than three sentences! Three! I can barely read, let alone write. It’s inhuman,” he sighed dramatically.

He could feel Albus smile into his shoulder. 

“Well then,” Albus said. “I guess for your sake, I will not lower myself to formulating a simply devious Slytherin-like plan that involves the ostracization of James from our entire family. Including Rose, Fred, and Teddy, of course.” 

Harry chuckled, “Oh yes, for my sake, I do hope not.”

“If I do happen to get into Slytherin,” Albus said looking up. “Can we please play a prank on James?” Eyes shining with faux innocence. It was a wonder that anyone could think to try to place Albus anywhere other than in Slytherin. 

Harry groaned, “Oh no. You haven’t even gone to Hogwarts yet, and you are already talking about pranks. Don’t say anything in front of your mother, she will kill me.”

“Mother doesn’t have to know,” Albus smirked.

“Oh you little horror,” Harry bellowed and couldn’t keep himself from laughing.

They were going to be fine. He was going to be fine.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, in the picture Harry’s wearing jeans. You can’t tell me that he doesn’t wear jeans to bed canonically. 👁 👄 👁
> 
> Also, if you'd like to be friends, catch me on  
> Twitter @reigret  
> Tumblr @reigret  
> Instagram @reigret_


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